The Pedestal of Motherhood

The journey of parenting
I find myself getting so angry about how freaking hard it is to be a mom. Especially an attachment parenting, homeschooling, developing-the-selfhood-of-my-kids mom. And then I feel so guilty for feeling this way - my kids are healthy, smart children, and I chose this path, this role of super mom. I'm caught between feeling like I should stop whining and that it IS hard and I need a break already. I need kids to respect me. And I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Such a mish-mash of feelings.

I was praying about all these feelings - anger, exhaustion, guilt, gratitude, overwhelm - and as often happens if we are opening to listening to the Reply, I gained a bit of insight.

It occurred to me that I have carried a perception of this time of life - mom with kids at home - as the Most Important Phase of Life. I've often told people that I've wanted to be a Mom since I realized I could be one - at about age five. Then and now I have (unconsciously) viewed my childhood and early adulthood as a sort of preparation for motherhood. I even had a subscription to Parenting magazine when I was 12. That's how serious I was. (If someone is that dedicated to, say, being a veterinarian or a marine biologist, we applaud it. But a mom? How odd. But I digress.)

Anyway, given that this is supposed to be the Most Important Time of Life, I feel cheated when it's so hard I just want to quit. I feel like a failure. Why can't my days be like my Vision of Motherhood? Sort of a blend of the best of my childhood, the healing of the not-so-great parts of my childhood, plus the since-I've-grown-up aspirations. (Apparently this is the I-like-using-hyphens post. And the Capitalization to Make a Point post.) When things are hard, I feel like the scales of judgment tip towards Failed to Accomplish Life's Most Important Job.

Priest and theologian Matthew Fox once said that the things we sentimentalize, we will commit violence towards. Anything that is put on a pedestal will be persecuted. Like women and children, who are viewed as angelic - and then are abused. I realized that I have been putting Motherhood, and myself as a mother, on this pedestal. Seeing myself in the role of Super Mom as this golden role. And when it's hard, I want to do violence against this role - or against myself. Not physically, but in "beating myself up" by feeling like a failure and having not-so-loving thoughts about me and my children. I'm either Queen of the World or Failure. And each day, each moment, is a tally chart of my successes and failures.

But - if I can remove this role from the pedestal, and let this phase of life simply be that, a phase of life, not more important than any other phase of life, then things can be just lovely or hard, not case-in-point arguments for either being a Super Mom or a Failure. If I can let my role of mom be one part of who I am, a relationship rather than an endpoint, maybe my days can be less a series of tally marks, and more a flow of energy that gets stuck and moves on.

Jim Marion writes that we will eventually resent anyone or anything we give our power away to. I have given my power to the myth that there is such a thing as perfection, or that everything is up to me. What a narcissistic view of things! I can take back my power and release my resentment, which only leads to physical illness when I don't.

What things do you sentimentalize that subsequently trip you up? What do you give your power to?

I say we let it all go. We are people, souls, making choices, and learning. Loving, raising kids, cleaning houses, eating food. While we aspire to do best, I think we can do so better by trusting our hearts and God (whatever you name Spirit) and letting go of the pride of being on that pedestal. Our true power comes from living as our Self, from our inner power.




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