Mudspark Life Learning

The journey of parenting I find myself getting so angry about how freaking hard it is to be a mom. Especially an attachment parenting, homeschooling, developing-the-selfhood-of-my-kids mom. And then I feel so guilty for feeling this way - my kids are healthy, smart children, and I chose this path, this role of super mom. I'm caught between feeling like I should stop whining and that it IS hard and I need a break already. I need kids to respect me. And I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Such a mish-mash of feelings. I was praying about all these feelings - anger, exhaustion, guilt, gratitude, overwhelm - and as often happens if we are opening to listening to the Reply, I gained a bit of insight. It occurred to me that I have carried a perception of this time of life - mom with kids at home - as the Most Important Phase of Life. I've often told people that I've wanted to be a Mom since I realized I could be one - at about age five. Then and now I have (unconscio...

Today we made lavender wands . We picked lavender from the front yard, peeled off the leaves and wove them with purple thread. My daughter struggles some with fine motor skills, and is a perfectionist, so this resulted in a huge blow up (on her part - I've been able to grow a lot of patience by identifying that a lot of her traits are very Aspie). After she calmed down, I sat with her on the couch and we wove hers together. I talked out loud about the tricky parts: "Ooh, here's the part we keep getting confused on because the flowers poke through." I wanted to model that it is hard while also helping her through it. Success! We got a wand and we moved through the "I'm bad at everything!" bit. Then she asked me what a lavender wand is used for. A friend of hers is getting interested in magic. I had explained that I would teach them magic if they are interested, but that magic and energy work are real and not something to just stumble around in, conjurin...

We started the day in good spirits. While I took care of some housekeeping the kids began some simple workbook exercises. My son completed his kindergarten pages quickly, easily, and with good cheer. My daughter, who had nine math problems to complete, ended up curled in a tight ball, grunting and screaming at me. Half way through I asked her to go do some jump rope and come back when she was ready to work with me. Then I needed a break. Then I pulled the classic if-you-don't-work-with-me-you-have-to-go-to-school line. I've said it before. But this time, I meant it. I am totally fed up with her melt downs and I am ready to have someone else deal with her. In school she would struggle with anxiety, but she would never behave this way with a teacher. I said - and she heard me - that this was her last chance. I am tired of fighting her about math, writing, goal-setting, and every other little bit. While most of our homeschooling is life learning, reading books, and playing...

You know how you thought that you would raise your kids, but in many ways they are raising you? Yes, you are the parent - but they are the teachers, pushing you to be more than you thought you could ever be. Becoming a mother was like a shamanic death, releasing the old self and struggling to figure out what being a mother actually means. Homeschooling is like that, too. Here I thought I'd get to use my stellar teaching skills to be at the helm of my children's education. That we would fall into this comfy rhythm of my teaching and their loving to learn. Crafts, science experiments, writing projects, math problems - all would flow joyfully along here at the old kitchen table. These days, my kitchen table isn't even the same as it was. Literally - we bought a new one to fit better into our house. I keep rearranging rooms, trying to make a family of four who spends a lot of time at home, and all our stuff, fit into our smallish house. The dining nook we bought almost fi...

I've figured out the goal of life. And therefore, the goal of education. Bold words, and I offer them as something to mull over and agree with as you will, or shrug off as you choose. The goal of life is to live a life that instills a sense of satisfaction in oneself. This means one has to know what it feels like to be satisfied and fulfilled. And that one has to have a set of tools that can get him or her to that fulfillment, whatever it may be. That's why play is so important, especially for young people. It's why establishing an early sense of morality without guilt is important, for it forms the foundation for being satisfied and fulfilled. The Thomas Jefferson Education folks call this early phase the Core Phase. Only then can a child have a sense of justice and right selfhood. Only by wasting time, for instance, can she learn what about that feels nourishing, and what feels empty. Only by trying on other selves and playing in all sorts of environments and learn...

I caught myself thinking this morning - Why is this parenting stuff so hard? Why didn't I read everything I needed to know before my kids were born and get it all figured out long ago? (As if that were even possible.) Then I realized how I let myself learn about any other subject as I go - while writing a book, keeping chickens, gardening. I don't see it as a failure, but a journey deepening into something I value. Somehow learning to parent as I go feels like a failure. And into my mind popped the image of my daughter (age 7) melting into a pile of self revulsion because she can't draw or play piano or spell a word perfectly the first or second or third time. Hmm, I thought - while my response is less dramatic, it's the same pattern. Expecting myself to be beyond perfect from square one. Time to let myself grow as I go, even as a parent, and to show my daughter my process. I've tried to show her my mistakes and learning in other areas - sewing, cooking,...